Life as I find it

I grew up hearing his songs, mimicing dance moves, learning “break dance” from the mysterious appeal his graceful moves had. I heard of allegations of abuse, and saw them as a price of celebrity, without really believing one way or the other. Many judged him harshly about his changed looks.

Yet, if I have to think of the King of Pop, I don’t remember news headlines, but hours spent memorizing videos to catch nuances of moves, trying to spin with the kind of speed……… writing down and learning lyrics of favourite songs…..

Somehow, the music, and the gossip were so separate, it may not have been the same person.

Today, I got an SMS about his death. Hadn’t thought of him for a long time, and when I did, it was with all the snobbery of a grown up person who doesn’t really pay attention to “has been” celebrities. What I hadn’t expected was the sorrow I felt for the loss a man I barely knew beyond hearing his songs and knowing that the colour of his skin changed over time, and that there had been accusations about him in the news.

I found myself searching for news about what happened. Why did he die?

I read about his life, his struggles, his childhood, family, career, medications, surgeries, home……. and for the first time, this man was very real to me. A man who made lemonade with lemons he got, shared generously when he had fortune, had his share of good and bad luck, his share of insecurities, quirks, obsession with childhood and the quest for what he had missed…..

For someone who had a very public life, had been described as a character more than a person, and had admitted that he preferred the stage and real life people terrified him, Michael Jackson’s life, feelings, motivations and circumstances are so transparent in this moment, that I can’t help but think, how much real can we get than to have our deepest hurts, fears and vulnerabilities out there for anyone to know?

Jacko was human. He took the world by storm. He died. Whether he was perfect is irrelevant. What matters is that he made his mark. What matters is that he changed countless lives with his talent and generosity. What matters is that he will be missed.

So much for resisting writing about my pregnancy. I guess, it can’t be helped. Its my reality.

I discovered a few things no resource online or printed told me, so that’s what I want to share.

1. Everyone speaks of low back pain. Two weeks ago, I got pain in the middle of my back. Sleeping would have been a nightmare if I could manage it. Poor Raka massaged by back tirelessly, only to have it hurt again the minute it stopped. I’d been using the same bed, eating the same food… I added a soft pillow under the tummy to see if it helped. It didn’t. Felt good, but did nothing for the backache. Eno worked. Yep, its Eno, the fruit salts I’m talking about. Apparently, my growing tummy encouraged pockets of gas. Half a sachet of the stuff, and I’m sleeping like a baby through the night once more. I hope it lasts.
2. Swelling in feet. Again, got it briefly, but I tend to fuss when my body isn’t how I’d like it to be, so I pursued the daylights out of this. Feet up, resting, walking, reducing salt, drinking water….. didn’t help. My blood pressure was absolutely normal anyway. What helped was eating bananas. Apparently, the potassium in them does something nice to the excess sodium in my body causing these swellings. Yay!!!
3. Mood swings. The more I took care of myself, the more cranky I got. What worked was crying for a bit before I worked myself into a lather. It satisfied something in me that wanted to be upset, and I was bright as sunshine in no time flat.

Call me crazy, but I’m in a place where I cheer whatever works.

There are moments when we experience what we know.

As a change agent, I experience these moments when I am able to let myself go, and immerse myself into the reality I am in.

One such incident happened this morning when an old friend of mine called me up just to be able to speak with someone. She had problems with her family, child and felt overworked, underappreciated and generally at the end of her tether.

As I listened, I became aware of how much this woman did, how much she embraced, how much she constantly challenged herself to do more and more, and saw her failures while forgetting the tremendous things she achieved as a matter of fact. I shared that with her in perhaps a couple of phrases after an hour long phone call. The relief that replaced all that restless energy was so profound, that I could have reached out and touched it physically.

We spoke very briefly after that. The conversation was concluded with openness of heart and lightness of being. She wrote back an email saying how much better she felt after talking to me, and how just listening to my voice made everything better.

Was it listening to my voice? I don’t think so. I think it was because in that moment, I really listened to her, and understood what she was saying. It hadn’t been about resolving any of the numerous problems she shared and it wasn’t about me telling her anything at all. It was about me listening to her deeply, and really understanding and appreciating the state of her being, as she was sharing with me.

In that moment, she wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t alone. We were deeply together, enriching, empowering each other.

I guess every place in the world has its share of superstitions, and pregnancy in India seems to be prime time. For entertainment purposes, here are some of them and some humorous and not so funny things I found out:

• Don’t eat papayas: This seems to be the most popular one, including with some doctors. Apparently, papayas cause contractions. This is based on the fact that raw papayas contain a latex (or something) that can cause contractions. However, there is nothing to say that these contractions are strong enough to cause an abortion in a woman unready to deliver. No special baby killing properties to them and particularly ripe ones, as a friend of mine found out, when she ate loads of the stuff when she got pregnant unexpectedly. She didn’t want a baby that early into her marriage, and she didn’t want the responsibility to abort. She is currently a happy mother of a healthy baby born at full term.
• Don’t eat mangoes, pinapples, etc: If they don’t normally upset your digestion, go right ahead and have a blast.
• Don’t cut a whole watermelon: Apparently, it looks too much like a ripe belly to some women and they think its a bad omen.
• Don’t go out during an eclipse: That’s an old one from when eclipses scared people enough to be thought evil.
• Don’t talk too much about feeling good or praise the baby, etc: Apparently it will jinx your stroke of good luck. More likely, you bore people to tears when you wax eloquent endlessly about your little miracle, and they need a way of shutting you up. Really, appreciating things puts you in a better mood, and encourages nicer things to happen. Don’t see harm in that. In fact, I see a world of good.
• Listen to this music or that and don’t listen to this or that: Babies are well insulated in their comfortable cocoons, and really, loud music is probably the only stuff that reaches them. With all the racket of your heart and blood and uh… digestion around them, I doubt if the distant music is going to alarm them unduly. If it makes you happy, go ahead.
• Pay attention to the words of the song/read religious texts: Probably a way to get you to remember God once in a while. I doubt if a baby is capable of understanding elaborate philosophy, or wicked words. All it probably gets is the sound of your voice and tones at the most. So go ahead, read the telephone directory lovingly if you wish.
• Don’t sit on the floor with both legs on one side: No clue how this one came up. Probably alarmed by the threat of you toppling off the floor.
• Don’t cut your hair: While orthodox Indians are disapproving of married women cutting their hair at the best of times, I was surprised to hear this from a well-educated and “westernized” friend who was convinced that it shortens the life-span of the child in the womb! Not that I’m planning on cutting my hair at the moment, considering how lush and shiny its getting, but this is plain ridiculous.
• Don’t cross your legs when you sit: I got this gem yesterday - apparently, if you do it really fast, you could loop the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck like a lasso.
• Eating a strawberry can make your baby get ugly birthmarks
• Don’t knit: No clue why, but all those films with the deaming of baby and knitting shots are plain wrong - something bad happens. I forget what.
• Don’t make a baby wardrobe or other baby preparations before it is born: Apparently it jinxes the baby or something. This is rather silly, because honestly, who has the time to go shopping for immediate baby needs after its born? The second trimester seems to be when the energy and time support this mission, but….. don’t do it Possibly a hangover from the time when miscarriage and mortality was much higher, and intended to avoid the pain of looking at the stuff if something happened to the baby it was meant for.
• Look at pictures of beautiful babies to produce beautiful babies: People are trying to give me random pictures of beautiful babies - some with lovely golden hair. Now, there’s going to be a serious problem with the peace in our family if I get a blond child considering how we are all Indians, no matter how beautiful it is.
• Death and crippled people or otherwise abnormal people/children can infect the spirit of the child: This one is plain ridiculous. I can understand that illness carries infection, or death/injuries can cause stress. I fail to see how seeing a Down’s child (for example) can cause Downs in a healthy foetus.

And so on….

I’m sure you know your own treasure of such pearls of wisdom. Care to share?

Its a wonderful time in our lives. I’m pregnant. This brings up so many things we hadn’t imagined when we oh so maturely decided that we could plan a baby soon.

Suddenly, all decisions seem to revolve around it. Long term plans, short term plans, will this or that or both together be too hectic? Doctor’s meetings - I didn’t have a regular doctor at all, since I didn’t need one for over 8-9 years. Suddenly, I’m meeting one twice a month.

Concerns - age, smoking, drinking, hectic lifestyle…… and how to manage all that.

Phew! Its quite different from the image of cow-like peace that I had imagined.

One change seems to invite more and suddenly the work facet of my life is going into over drive, with tempting work coming up all over the place. Work that I don’t want to leave, and I’m scared to take up and jeopardise my rest in any way.

Money is a whole new story all together. My monthly finances now have a whole chunk added to them in terms of medicines, doctor’s fees, healthy food, more comfortable travel….. and from all I hear, once the little one is out, it only gets bigger.

Wow! Much to learn, much to cope with.

The good part is, I’m healthy, I’m happy, and both of us are looking forward eagerly to this. Friends and family are overjoyed, supportive and so caring. Its a whole new intimacy with my husband and my near and dear ones.

Life is beautiful.