Last year, when I wrote about the men and women in Indian society, I hadn’t imagined that it would become the most read post on this otherwise low readership blog. It was well read, got passed on, and earned me emails and comments that told me that this was an important trigger for today’s society. There is an unconscious discomfort that keeps us hooked to this subject.
People agreed, disagreed, but had something to say.
Many of my feminist friends didn’t agree with the ’sympathy’ I had for the menfolk. According to them, it was this softness that kept men dominating women. I disagree. I think, if I react with fear or rebellion, I’m still negatively impacted by the dominance. If I have my own opinion that is irrelevant to what a “man” might want me to think, I am me. Free.
Today, a friend passed on an article in Tehelka by Nisha Susan on this subject, and I was once again in that discussion space, where we talk about women, and men and other things great and small.
It echoes so much with what I want to say. She puts it far better.
The fact of the matter is, as a society, we handicap our men and women. We no longer live in a world where the physical “weakness” of women is an issue, yet we continue measuring our worth by those scales. Today, we need all kinds of skills to be functional people. Communication is no longer a woman’s realm. Neither is earning for the home. Yet, a man entering a kitchen is a cause for wonder. An exception rather than the rule, as though one area of his home is not a natural place for him to be in.
I’d love to say that men do this to women and subjugate them and all that, but on a subtle level, I see women encouraging this stereotype (particularly in home matters) far more than the poor men, who never were in to have any say on the matter. It is often the mother who will coddle her sons and keep them from developing that competence.
The age-old power struggle between men and women is entering a new era. One where women call the shots, and men don’t even realize it. It is quite narrow minded to see things in black and white. No one is an island, and all relationships, ecstatic or unhappy evolve from a series of choices, attitudes and transactions.
I used to be active on a few online forums for ‘abused women’, where the pattern seemed to be that women in despair could have anonymous conversations with other women in similar conditions or people who wished to make their lives better. After spending some time there, I realized that the moderators of the forum were decided that women were abused and needed saving, and were inclined to assume that often without any rational evidence.
To them, it was evidence enough that the woman was unhappy and talking about it over there.
While I understand that people feel deeply about the ‘underdog’ which in this case seems to be indentified as women in general, we are not helping matters by encouraging people to simply cry about their circumstances. In fact, we disable the women from looking at workable solutions by firmly categorizing them as victims.
The problems with this kind of “blind support”:
- No one knows the other side of the coin – is the woman really abused, or does she see all conflict where she doesn’t get her way as abuse?
- Every action from the husband is attributed evil intent. Yet, a fact of life is that most men (particularly Indian men) have no clue how to go about communicating in close relationships. What seems like a deliberate attack on the woman is also quite likely an inability to come up with productive means of communication.
- By calling the husband the villain, we are polarizing an already difficult situation by removing all middle ground and calling things black and white.
- By speaking of the husband in such villainous terms, we encourage the woman to see herself as helpless against overwhelming odds, and take away her belief in her own power to diagnose her situation and take appropriate action (other than leaving the husband)
- In many cases, leaving the husband is not a very practical or useful suggestion to the woman, particularly if she has an unsupportive family, children, lack of money/skills relevant to financial independence, etc.
- It can take a heavy duty quarrel between a husband and wife and turn it into something insurmountable. In other words, a healthy verbal expression of differences can be turned into the end of a relationship through blind advice.
What bothers me the most is the assumption that not only men are insensitive and cruel clods, they are evil in intent.
From what I see in life around me, I see men more handicapped than evil. Our culture has rarely taught a man to say “I feel insecure when you look attractive in public” – they are far more likely to throw out a cliched “you shouldn’t wear clothes like that”. This, while quite irritating to the woman on a symptomatic level, holds undertones of a man’s desire for his wife, his wish that she see him as her only option, because he thinks that she could find far worthier options, etc. While it is confining on one level, on another, non-verbal level, it is an incredible compliment to his wife.
The challenge is not in breaking relationships. That happens all over the place, all the time. The challenge is in empowering people to life in freedom and openness, in helping them be happy. It is in assisting people to see beyond stereotypes, and recognize that there is strength in women, there is gentleness in men, there is bossiness in women, there is jealousy in men…. It is time to get the full scope of being human in all its vibrant colours out from the shadow.
Its time to see that as women, we have all the choices men have and men don’t have the same. It is time to let those choices truly empower us, rather than become tools in petty struggles of power that hurt. It is time for men to find help in looking at more productive ways to express themselves before those bottled emotions burst out as unreasoning aggression.
It is a tremendous burden today’s man bears. Unknowing, softly, somewhere the tables are turning in a very threatening way. Women are smart, they earn well, they are confident, they don’t really have any needs of survival and safety they need men for, they are not intimidated by the basic survival tasks like figuring out food, they are often smarter, more attractive…. on the other hand, with women doing so much, it is getting more and more difficult to be the “MALE” when they are overwhelmed by domestic matters, exist as equals in the outside world, earn about the same, etc. It is difficult maintaining an image of superiority that is deemed essential to be acknowledged as a man in society when in most cases they are pretty much equals.
It gets worse, because women taking on typical men roles are seen as strong and in increasing numbers, while a man taking on a woman’s role is seen as weak. The social stereotype is still swinging from prehistoric branches. Everywhere a man goes, there is an abundance of strong, confident, capable women leading their lives just fine without needing any protection – the protector is largely redundant.
There are few places to express their superiority. Often, this makes men very unsure of themselves as men. I have heard clients call themselves eunuchs because their wives earn more than them and expect more from them, which they feel unable to handle. I have heard women clients call their husbands insensitive and themselves victims because they have no way to deal with the unreasoning bursts of anger.
Its sad, that as a society, we have both men and women living in fear of the other gender. For isn’t it fear that makes a woman shut her mouth when a man raises his voice or hand? And isn’t it fear of not being listened to, of not being acknowledged that makes agression necessary to make a point?
It takes a lot of courage for a couple to evolve into a space where a husband may decide to work (or not) from home if he wishes while his wife takes on a job. Or for a wife to sit and watch cricket while the husband cooks a meal as a matter of routine. It is equally difficult for a woman to stop thinking of herself as infinitely superior for earning more than her husband (because she believes the stereotype – the man should earn more and thinks she is great, or her husband is worthless). Or for a man to look at his own higher salary as a matter of his worth as a competent professional rather than a husband.
Gender and identity are closely linked. To truly evolve as a society, we need to question our assumptions.
