Life as I find it

After ages and ages of being mom round the clock, I had an incredible treat from Raka, who landed home after many days of constant jet-setting with a film in hand. I looked at the CD – Marathi – Natrang. Oookay. I don’t always enjoy Marathi films, but I trust Raka’s incredible taste (or feedback network). So we watched it.

I am blown away by the film and its open, sensitive handling of very delicate, touchy issues like sexuality, self-image, power struggles, relationships…. It is the story of a farm labourer Guna (played by Atul Kulkarni in a way that sends shivers down my spine). The film begins with this guy who works on daily wages for a living and enjoys tamashaas (traditional travelling dance shows in villages in Maharashtra in India). He is shown as a frivolous, self-centered man who thinks nothing of throwing money away watching girls dance, while his family lives in abject poverty. Losing his job shakes him up, and he starts dreaming of starting his own travelling dance group to earn a living.

Friends who earlier wasted time are also in dire straits, and he becomes their leader, writing stories, songs, working hard to make the show a reality. The first story they practice has him playing a king with a dogged sense of newly found purpose. The film follows his progress  with this ambition, as well as the evolution of the man who touches new depths within himself. It is a must see film for anyone who is sensitive to the condition of the human mind.

Parts of the story that will remain for a long time in my mind are the transformation of a frivolous time waster into an artist with the dedication to weather any storm for his creativity. Such shows traditionally have a pansy/eunuch character, and it is the turning point of the film, when unable to get anyone to fill in this role, Guna gives up his role as the king to become a “pansy” performer. The transformation he goes through is one of a man getting in touch with the femininity within him as a part of acting feminine, and I will always remember the incredible shot of him learning to move and dance like a woman. It is transparent. This is not acting. Atul reaches out and embraces his feminine side in all its rawness for all the world to see.

The story moves on to explore the shackles of success, of ‘labels’ that emasculate him, of threats, power plays, being used by loved ones, rejected by his wife, and finally raped in an act of revenge. And Atul Kulkarni as Guna lives it for all of us right there on the screen. If acting could be called authentic, this is it. His strength, his vulnerability….. I am totally floored.

There are parts where it stretches a bit, or perhaps it is my discomfort at the edge on which the hero lives.

Not to mention that this is some of the most outstanding ‘normal’ cinematography and the music is one that meets the story eye to eye and raises the whole thing to a whole new level. Seriously, for once, Hollywood may want to do a copy.

If you haven’t seen the film, go, get it. If you don’t understand Marathi, get one with subtitles. You don’t want to miss this.

I have been absent from this blog for quite some days related with my own learning journey.

Been thinking a lot about all these India-Pakistan thingies.

For all people  of the two countries, there is a perspective i’d like to share:

• Identity: Pakistan seems to still be in teenage rebellion mode when it comes to India and the world for that matter – seeking approval from the world, needing support, hating the supporters, the family it grew up from… Its not a matter of if it is a current crisis or a new one. The important thing is to identify the emotional alignment and respect it, regardless of the “price in the moment”. Mindsets can’t be bullied into change – they can only be influenced into evolving.
• India on the other hand seems to be the patronizing elder brother who can’t really understand that teenager and seems to do everything “wrong”, including setting up of family functions (trade, communications…) to encourage the rebellious kid to come to terms with its fold.
• While the teenager may attend, hiding that anger doesn’t make it go away, but pushes it deeper into the psyche, where perhaps the teenager is not even aware of it at times, but it manifests in the tone, the smaller actions…..
• The “firm hand” is seen as supression. So at the moment, India is only unfair, patronizing and superior from the Pakistani perspective.

Unlike the rest of the world, I don’t believe Kashmir is the cause of the “differences” between the two countries, but a manifestation of those differences. Going by the earlier model, its the teenager encouraging the younger sibling to join its rebellion somewhat as a validation of itself as well, while the “patronizing elder” doesn’t think its for the good of that sibling. Of course, what the sibling wants is out of the equation entirely – from the King’s choice at freedom to the people’s in this time.

The rest of the world is unwilling to interfere or voice an opinion in a “family matter”.

If we have to be able to move on with this unending cycle, we need to first recognize it and be able to stop enacting it. It can’t be easy, but it can’t be impossible either.

First, I think its important for both countries to acknowledge their anger and their judgments that hinder them from seeing and being able to work with “the good” in the other. If this means an all out war, so be it. If it means media, cricket, …… that’s preferrable, I guess. In some ways I agree with Bal Thackeray when he calls for a decisive war – it would be an honest expression of the pent up hostility and we would be able to move on. Sure it would be violent and there would be a price in lives – but the option seems to be paying it upfront or in instalments with interest. Getting all that anger out in the open and seeing what it does to both would be the first step to moving on. The point is to get all that anger out in the open, acknowledge its there and work with the awareness that it influences both. Pretending to be saintlike “peace loving” people wronged by the other hasn’t worked for the last 60 years, and I don’t see this camouflage working in the next 60 either.

To accept the differences and to be able to work with what it would like to work with. We don’t need to fall in love. What we need to be able to do is recognize that while there are fundamental differences, their existing in the other okay.

What are these differences and where do they come from?

• The birth: Pakistan got carved out of India on the basis of religion. The greater land, the name remained with India. Somewhere, unconsciously, there seems to be a righteousness to India – as though any problems arising from this birthing process belong to Pakistan, as it is what it always was. That’s untrue. The name may have remained the same, but we are a new country. We also have a birth in our current form. Pakistan on the other hand, seems to operate from an unconscious assumption that it owes its identity to “differences”, therefore, finding common ground with India, threatens its very existence. Not logically, but unconscious fears are rarely logical.
• The enactment of differences: These create further differences to hide the unconscious need to hide anger (notice how it layers?). Wars, media hostility, disagreements…. keep adding fuel to the fire.
• The fantasy in India seems to be that we are a peaceful country, because we are nice people. It doesn’t seem to matter that the comparitively larger size of India cushions and nourishes the prosperity by allowing distance from the hostility. Ask those who live in Kashmir, the north-east or other parts that see regular violence about their experience of their country to discover how those busy surviving would like to paint the picture. One terror attack shakes Mumbai till the next lull comes – why? Because Mumbai is distant from the violence, and when it sees it, its shocked. No one notices the reassuring lull that happens, simply because the distance from the violence allows prosperity to flourish. No such lull happens in Kashmir, Pakistan, or other places close to the violence, not because they are bad people, but because they live closer to the manifestation of differences. The Indians who call India peace loving really need to examine their need for this white-wash. Are we saying that Kashmiris fighting for independence are not currently Indians? Are we saying that rioting Hindutva guys are not Indians? Why then do we have a police force at all?
• The fantasy in Pakistan seems to be that Pakistan somehow needs to be more powerful than India to survive. Their obsession over their identity being based on differences and then one side of the difference having to be “right” and the other “wrong” and their inability to co-exist makes them tremendously vulnerable to every difference that arises – because it must be overpowered or overpower – be it extremists and moderates, army and civilians, Baluchistan/FATA/POK and the rest of Pakistan. It is as though legitimizing any difference threatens disaster. This perhaps arises from the “difference of religion” being thier cause of splitting from India, so other differences seem to call for more and more splits. It also colours their perception of India and how hostility in India over differences is perceived by them. Fighting of any land for its differences seems to legitimize its not being a part of India.The way I see this, the question is not what the differences are, or how the other is “bad”, but what that difference means to us. If the other is evil, what is the threat to us? Is it a legitimate threat or are we operating from primitive responses? Is it possible that the other can be doing very bad things, but they are their actions, and we can still flourish?

What we need is less judgments and more operating from empowerment than threat that frees us to accept differences without fear and striking back.

Update: After getting praise mails that I am, as a journalist encouraging war, I need to state specifically that I am NOT a journalist, and my knowledge of politics is minimal. What I am is a concerned and distraught citizen. My posts are not informed political opinions or advice about policy, but thoughts that cross my mind as I follow this crisis. I am against war and violence. I even feel pity for the poor captured terrorist for that matter. This is only a perspective and reaction about the threat of a nuclear war from Pakistan. This threat is actually explained by recent news about a hoax call that led to the Pakistani government thinking India was about to attack them. More than that, any comments like “kill the Pakistanis” will immediately be deleted, as I have no wish to encourage the circulation of such views. So, if you find that the comment you posted has been deleted, that’s me in action. If hostile comments recur, I will delete this post. This post is about the Indian attitude toward the threat of nuclear war and what at that time seemed an insane attitude to me and not about hatred for Pakistan.

Current worry is that Pakistan is apparently never in the wrong, even as many Pakistanis raise questions about the ISI in their daily lives. Strange that the average Pakistani believes that their ISI can sabotage their own country but no other. Strange kind of organization to have, no? But I don’t think logic has anything to do with the Pakistani response at the moment.

As for the Pakistani government not being involved, no one believes that. I doubt if the Pakistani government was ever directly involved with happenings in India. I doubt if it ever was in the loop. For that matter, the government was clueless about the Kargil conflict. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

It is transparent that Pakistan WANTS the excuse of war with India to escape from its “coerced commitment” to the war against terror on the Afgan front. So I don’t really think any actionable cooperation is ever going to come from there beyond demands of proof. Even if Zardari wants to cooperate, I doubt if he has the power to do so, when the army has another agenda. He is the sitting duck for pressure from his own country, the army, US, India, world opinion…… with no real power to do anything, because doing anything on this front will mean hurting the unofficial ISI weapon against India, which the ISI will not allow and I don’t see how Zardari can make them, even if he wants to, even if he accepts that LeT are the culprits, even if he commits to getting rid of them.

A country that disowns terrorists as non-state actors (after first denying their existence) is willing to go to war over protecting them – anyone else find that incongruent?

Meanwhile, India is pissed and frustrated that its proof is dismissed and proofs are demanded. Terrorists wanted for causing harm in India are not to be given over. Pakistan speaks of strikes being seen as acts of war, and nukes are laid out on the table straight off. For someone cooperating, its a strange attitude of denials, refusals and threats.

Meanwhile, US and the rest of the world is shitting bricks at the thought of a nuclear war between India and Pakistan, and doing all it can to prevent it.

What I literally see is a world held hostage to Pakistan. No one is convinced of their innocence, but no one also wants to provoke them because they have *melodramatic shudder* nukes, you know?

Pakistan is not the only country in the world to have nukes, but it is the only country to act against the interests of the world and then threaten to use nukes if it thinks there will be retaliation.

For that matter, it does the same with its own people. The threat is not nukes, but its own extremist and army agendas of power to control that hold the common man hostage with threats of physical harm. For example, in this current scenario, what the Pakistani common man thinks is as irrelevant as what Zardari thinks. The situation hinges on the army deserting the war on terror and threatening nukes and the militants talking of defending the country they were relentlessly destroying, which incidently were both irrelevant to the talks happening between the governments.

Perhaps I’m direct, but this is how I see it.

As long as the Kashmir issue is resolved, India and Pakistan will never be truly at peace. Pakistan has nukes and doesn’t even consider an option of no-first-strike as a part of its “defence”, so that problem is unlikely to be over, ever. For that matter, I don’t even think Pakistan really wants Kashmir resolved, because that will take away their reason for acting on their hatred of India.

From how I understand, Pakistan sees nukes as any other weapon, and one of the most powerful in its arsenal. Its not particularly bothered about the damage it will cause to India, because that is the whole idea in any case. It counts on this attitude to be a deterrent in itself, with the entire world pressurizing India to avoid war, because they sure as hell know that there will be no reasoning with Pakistan.

My approach to this is different. Much as I hate violence, and my dream of a good world includes armies dismantled because they become redundant, I hate being held hostage by bullies even worse. I am aware that I could be one of the casualties if Pakistan makes a nuclear attack, and one of the more likely ones by virtue of living in Mumbai. Yet, I do think what India and the world needs to do at this moment is a nuclear war. Pakistan needs to go to the stone age before it can become a civilization.

I thought long and deep over it, considered my abhorrence of violence, the situation with Pakistan…… a whole load of things. I know it will be terrible thing. It will harm Indian economy, lives, morale, and cause a whole load of pain.

Yet, as I consider:

• Pakistan is never ever going to stop harming India directly or indirectly.
• Even if the LeT is finished, the reason for its creation is still there, and it is only a matter of time before it is resurrected or something else created to fulfill that need.
• Pakistan has nukes and will continue to have them till they are destroyed or used. 50 years from now, we will still be bearing attrocities exported from that country because it has nukes. It will still be operating without a conscience, because it believes that its irresponsible attitude toward human lives will continue to protect it from those who value them.
• India is a strong country. It will be devastated, but it will regenerate. Hopefully, it will regenerate without the hanging sword of Pakistani nukes over its head. I may die, but the future of hundreds will be safer from threat.

It is with a heavy heart, and against my instincts that I admit that a nuclear war between India and Pakistan is what India and the world needs, provided that we are able to work together and take out their nukes completely.

Rather than cringe and tolerate endlessly that which has no intention of ever going away, we need to face it and conquer it. If we pay a price, it is the price of a future of not being held hostage and harmed.

What is needed is for Pakistan to be conquered, and reorganized under a stable country (preferrably not India) and led to prosperity. It needs to find a future in creation rather than vengeance for perceived attrocities. It needs hope and well being.

The other option is to sit and do nothing. Ignore the attack completely, strengthen internal security, hang the terrorist and leave Pakistan alone to collapse under its own weight or in the “war against terror”.

I just can’t seem to let go my anxiety about terrorists capable of spewing bullets indiscriminately and running around loose. A part of me has been alert all through this crisis to be reassured that all these guys are out of action. No luck. Not even sure how many they are.

How many are they really? All kinds of conflicting information from the interview on the one guy in hand – Ajmal Amir Kasab/Qasad/Qasab. When it came to Qasab, Mumbai went bonkers – right from the man on the street, media, cops, army officials, intelligence people……

• Kasab told the police that he and 9 others got off a vessel about 10 nautical miles from Mumbai and shifted to two boats hijacked from fishermen and names the other nine.
  
• The same news (as above, in a different source) mentions the “a source in the ATS familiar with the details of the interrogation quoted him saying that in all 16 fidayeens came to Mumbai on Wednesday.”
• The same news from yet another source mentions 39 colleagues who were given the impression that they would return after causing the mayhem in India.
• While the earlier articles mention the groups splitting into batches of 5, another one speaks of a more likely four to Taj, and two each to CST, Nariman House and Oberoi.

While names and distribution details are available for only these 10 Kasab names, the number of terrorists killed/captured and “batches of 5″ rather than “split into two groups” makes me think that the “16 fidayeen” from the ATS source, or “39 colleagues” from one version of Kasab’s interview could be likely true.

How many were killed? Take a look at this timeline(1) – all data from this unless linked specifically.

Wednesday 26th November 2008:

• Taj: NDTV reported (also mentioned in the timeline) on the 26th Nov that seven terrorists had been killed at the Taj earlier.

Thursday 27th November 2008:

• Mumbai in general: “11.51 am: Five terrorists killed and one captured in Mumbai, says Maharashtra Deputy Chief Minister R R Patil outside Oberoi Hotel.” couldn’t possibly refer to the Taj guys, as the one captured was at Girgaum and five is less than seven, so it isn’t an inclusive number either.
  
• Nariman House: “12.39 pm: One terrorist holed up inside Nariman House in south Mumbai killed, says police. Six more ultras suspected to be inside the building.“
• Taj: “4.25 pm: A terrorist has been reportedly killed in Taj hotel. Reports say that commandos have started barging into the rooms of the hotel.”
• Taj: “8.00 pm: 4 more terrorists killed at the Taj. Another mammoth explosion in the Oberoi, starts huge fire.”

Friday 28th November 2008:

• Oberoi: “12.50 am: One terrorist killed at Oberoi, one still remaining.”
• Oberoi: “11:12 am: Two terrorists reported to be killed inside Trident-Oberoi hotel.” <– this could simply be an update from the earlier one killed one remaining.
• Oberoi: “12.10 pm: Terrorist reportedly killed in crossfire at Trident-Oberoi.” <— same one?
• Nariman House: “7.40 pm: Two terrorists killed in Nariman House.”

Saturday 29th November 2008:

• Taj: “8.32 am: The 59-hour siege of old Taj Hotel ends. Last terrorist killed” Followed by “8.42 am: Four terrorists killed at Taj Hotel; number of other dead and injured there still to be ascertained, says Mumbai Police Commissioner Hassan Gafoor.” and “8.49 am: Director General of National Security Guards, J K Dutt, briefs media, tells three terrorists killed in the latest operation at Taj Hotel.” <— is it four or three?

Ooooookay.

Oberoi is the easiest with the different reports probably translating into two terrorists being there and killed.

Nariman seems to have three – one killed on Thursday and two on Friday.

Taj is more complex with 7 terrorists killed on the 26th (wednesday) + one and four (assuming the later number includes the earlier reported “one”) so counting it as four and not five (thursday) + the final four (saturday) = 15 in all.

The five killed and one captured that the CM speaks about, I don’t know what to do with. I know one got killed and one captured in Girgaum. No clue on the other four. Seems unlikely that they were killed in other places and not reported, so one possibility is that the 7 thought killed at Taj on the previous day were actually 4 (someone teach people how to count)

This article brings more clarity:

“The terrorists were challenged by security men near the CST railway station. One terrorist was killed and another nabbed near the metro junction.

Five other terrorists were killed – two each at Taj Hotel and Chowpatty and one at Nariman House, he added.”

However, there is no mention of seven terrorists killed in this article.

More confusion here.

Coming to the “summary” statements of this episode, we have “Describing the mission as successful, the NSG sources said that 11 terrorists have been killed in the mission and one has been caught alive.” The one alive is a no brainer, but the eleven killed? Shouldn’t that number be higher? Or, who died when terrorists were reported killed in some instances?

How many were captured?

One in Girgaum, yes of course – our one well quoted guy.But where was he captured? Girgaum Chowpatty (most likely), CST or Taj?

What about:

• “Highly-placed police sources said two other Pakistani nationals had also been held in the course of intense fighting on Thursday. All three, the sources said, identified themselves as members of a Lashkar fidayeen squad.” from 3 Lashkar fidayeen captured
• the mysterious 9 or so? with British passports and Pakistanis of British origin? They don’t seem to appear on the action timeline, so information is quite vague.
• Who is responsible for the taxi blasts? The cops think that the bombs were planted in the taxis used by the terrorists to prevent information about them wrecking their plans, but that doesn’t explain the reports of grenades being hurled in Santa Cruz – planted bombs don’t hurl grenades….. right? Or were those reports rumors?
• If only 10 terrorists entered Mumbai hours before the attack, who in the world booked the room 630 in the Taj, stocked ammo and got visitors for four days? Kasab seems to be the source for both stories. He has a split personality?

All in all, I’m confused, and watching the media for more information.

What do I write? I am stunned. Mumbai is stunned. Statistics are all over the news and on the net, and frankly, I’m incapable of talking numbers in the face of what I am feeling.

Mumbai, my beloved city is being bullied. There is no other word for it. A bunch of random outsiders have attacked it and its people for no apparent reason.

The first I heard of this was when my husband heard of a blast at Vile Parle about a 5 min walk from my parents place. Shocked, I called them up, and called friends and family in the area or near there to ensure that all was safe. I turned on the news to see what was going on, to realize that that blast was hardly news. The town area had been attacked by terrorists with guns and grenades.

The idea was so bizarre, that my first instinct was to dismiss it as some rumour. Who in the world would believe that armed people could just walk in and fire upon the crowd in a public railway station? We aren’t some war torn country for God’s sake!

Then news reports filtered in there was firing in other places. Two people dead, three, five, seven, eleven, sixteen……… the numbers just kept exploding, and I registered with horror that this wasn’t some minor couple of rounds being fired, but proper AK-47s and hand grenades and full on battle! I stayed awake late in the night to hear the “final count” and finally slept. I woke up and fired up the computer to find out what the end tally was to read in disbelief that it hadn’t ended.

Terrorists with guns and grenades had taken people hostage in 5-star hotels. Until then, some unconscious part of me was certain that the hotel firings would be the first to be “wrapped up”, since I associated fancy places with high security and stuff. Not so at all.

Then I read about the ATS chief and an “encounter specialist” being killed. It was hard to keep from feeling demoralized. Regardless of their names, it was their “roles” that finally brought home the gravity of this absurdly filmy sounding situation. You don’t have villains spraying bullets on crowds and two pillars of security of a city succumbing within hours of each other in real life. You don’t have two of the greatest monuments of the city under attack from some stupid gun-toting bullies in real life. You don’t see this seemingly inexhaustible supply of ammunition and seemingly untiring fighters outside films.

The situation is still on. It seems to be almost at its end with the Army having taken over, hostages rescued and the final moves due to begin any time. Yet it is still incredible.

What I found awesome here was the way the news channels rallied with the news, the support and morale of the people and the courage of the forces facing their duty.

What I didn’t like so much was that the politicians of our country seem to be far behind the folks when it comes to humanity and feeling for the fellow being. There was more passion in the newscaster’s voice than the president’s address. I heard decisions, but little concern. Deepak Chopra’s interview with CNN brought alive a thought where in a world with a fourth of the population being Muslims, how could we engage them to be with us in this struggle rather than alienate them and give birth to more trouble. Yet what did I hear from the people supposedly representing the best interests of this country? I heard about how the UPA could have done this that and the other. Frankly, I’m not interested in whose blame it is. I doubt if any party wanted this to happen, and I doubt if any party truly caring about the people could think of blaming their competition rather than standing strong in support of the citizens regardless of which party they supported.

In a time like this, we need dialogue, not blame. It would be more useful to come together to see how the city could be reassured and restored to normalcy, rather than blame different political parties or the ineffectiveness of intelligence or the police or the anti-terror squad.

Be realistic folks, intelligence is called intelligence and not omnipotence for a reason. What more loyalty can our protectors show than walking into the line of fire to do their jobs as they can? Nothing is infallible, including terrorists. It is our lack of faith in “our side” that adds to our insecurity. Yet, trust is sometimes a choice. In this moment of difficulty, we can choose to find someone to blame, or we can trust that everyone is doing the best we can and see how we can combine efforts for maximum impact.

For myself, I’m hoping for things I never thought I’d hope for. I’m hoping that these terrorist guys must be feeling sleepy of all this long and stressful time they have had. I’m hoping for some incompetence where they just goof up and manage to shoot themselves in the foot. I’m hoping that they use the cyanide capsules I’ve heard terrorists carry rather than blow up my favourite landmarks when they feel they can’t go on. Or better yet, that they finally get tired of the whole thing and surrender.